"Are you sure this is a town?" I asked Noirxus. "It's more like a city to me"
We were standing in front of two huge gates with walls on either side that I assume are surrounding the town. Two sentries were standing guard on either side of the gate watching as a stream of warriors, mages, travelers… basically people of all walks of life, enter the gates. They seemed lax in security in my opinion.
"Well the latter's bigger than the former. And this is not a small place at all," I said half to myself. "Where is this place anyway?"
I walked into the gates and asked the sentry to the left about our current location.
"This is Breizek city. Are you going to sign up for the tournament too?" he said eyeing the swords on our hips.
"Tournament?!" I repeated with sparkling eyes. There's a tournament! That's the action I was talking about.
"Hmm. Yes, it's a sword and magic tournament."
“Do we need anything special to enter the town or the tournament?” I asked.
“The tournament makes it hard to place suspicions mind you. And as for the tournament itself… a sword or a staff maybe?” the sentry said sarcastically.
I immediately grabbed Noirxus and ran towards the sign up booth which was pretty noticeable because of the long queue of fighters. I pleaded made Noirxus stand on line while I sit somewhere comfortable but still able to watch him and the line slowly progress. When his our turn finally came, I nudged Noirxus to play along with me.
"We're signing up for the tournament - me and this guy here."
"Name?" asked the guy behind the table in an uninterested voice. He dipped a feather in the ink pot and looked at us impatiently.
"Chryisle and Noirxus," I said. He wrote our names, I think he even misspelled both our names, and then loudly screamed for the next person to step forward.
"What are you doing?" Noirxus asked me as I happily skipped to the information board where they post the prizes of the tournament.
"Me? Killing time," I said. "Besides, this is going to be fun don't you think?" I carefully read all the details. There's a ten thousand gold prize, a sword or staff depending on the profession of the winner, and a chance to battle the champion of the last tournament. Apparently the last champion is also a dragon slayer. My eyes glinted dangerously.
"Noirxus, we're going to win this thing. Got that?" I said still glaring at the sketch of the last champion. This guy's on my list now. I smirked.
"Alright," Norixus said and paused. "What now?"
"We're going to eat.” I paused then added. “Bread.”
v(O_O)v
We entered a tavern and I ordered a full course meal (bread included) for Noirxus and me, and also a bottle of fine wine doesn't hurt. I like alcohol, preferably wines because I hate beer and its bitter taste. Seriously, how can anyone stomach that stuff? I remembered my Master calling me a bad girl for having a taste for alcohol but he can't really stop me from drinking secretly, especially now that we’ve parted and all. I gave Noirxus some but apparently can only hold up to 5 shots of alcohol before he's blushing with intoxication. I stopped him there. I can't have him pass out on me. I'm not going to carry this guy to the inn.
After the feast, around dusk, I looked around the town with Noirxus. The houses were fairly spaced apart and built from stone. There were different stores scattered on the streets filled with customers both foreign and local. At the center of the city, or so I assume, I saw a familiar fountain with a sculpture made of red granite pouring water from its mouth. I think it was supposed to be a fire dragon but the water coming out of its mouth is killing the image. But I remember the sculpture clearly.
I see. So my Master and I had been here.
I remembered that I once have gotten lost in this town before and I had to wait for Master to find me on this very fountain. But the town is so different now, definitely bigger than I remember. I don’t believe I’ve seen those walls that first greeted us in this town before. And last time I checked, this was called Breizek town not Breizek city. How fast do people build houses and walls anyway?
"Noirxus did you know?" I said sitting on the fountain ledge admiring the water now orange because it reflected the setting sun. Now the water really looks like fire – a very limp and liquid kind of fire.
"Hmm~..?" he said not quite grasping what I just said. Maybe.
"I've been in this town before with my Master," I continued, ignoring the fact whether or not he could understand me right now.
"The travel companion you had before?" Noirxus replied, a little groggy.
"Yeah," So he was listening. "He was my Master. Last week, he just said 'You're old enough to find your destiny' and then he left me" I said mocking his words and even his stern way of saying it.
"Are you sad?" Noirxus asked in a slurred manner.
"No. He's right," I said. "I am old enough to find my destiny and I cannot do it with him on my heels so I did plan to leave him before."
"Then why do you look like crying?" Noirxus asked as he unsteadily sat beside me.
"Do I? It's just that I never expected him to do the parting," I rolled my eyes. "Not my airhead for a Master."
"So what do you think you destiny is?" Noirxus said, seriously this time. Even the slurred speech was nearly gone.
"Me? Destroying stuff," I said smilingly. "You'll see it in the tournament."
Noirxus laughed. "Of course you do."
I hit him with my fist right on the head. "What do you mean by that? I'm a very delicate girl!"
He lost consciousness. I think my fist did the final blow. But how can you lose consciousness with 5 shots of alcohol and one blow on the head from a very delicate girl? And then I realized something more serious with the situation.
Damn. I have to carry him?!
Haha, I like the comedy you have in your story xD It's the little jokes and gags that make a story great. For instance, (idk if you've read) in Ranger's Apprentice they had this thing in a chapter where one of the like teacher characters was explaining something.
ReplyDelete"If a swordsman comes at you, what do you do?"
"shoot him with an arrow,"
"Your bowstring snapped."
"Run away"
"There's a cliff behind you"
"hrmm.."
"You use the double knife block"
But then at the end of that chapter it was like
"What do you do if an ax-man is coming at you"
"shoot him with an arrow"
"Your bowstring snapped."
"Run away.."
"There's a cliff behind you."
"Jump off the cliff, it's less messy."
Idk if you get what I'm actually trying to say xD It just made me remember this moment in a book. But yeah, it's the little comedic gags that make a story entertaining THROUGHOUT the story.
Overall, your story and writing style are pretty defined. Just one thing is that you have a few grammar mistakes, like missing commas and what not. (I can't even remember where already) but there were a few compound sentences that were missing commas, but its not really a big deal. And then the other thing is, the like formal dialogue at some parts. I dunno, I have trouble whenever I write narratives to have non-awkward dialogue. Yours is a major improvement as opposed to mine, but there's just a few instances where you feel like the dialogue doesn't exactly match the personality of the character.
Also, in the 3rd to last paragraph, "What do you mean by that!" Should have a question mark or both lol.
It's good so far though :)
Oh thank you. I adore comedy myself just not me making comedy, afraid that I might be forcing it but I'm glad you liked it. ^^ I edited it by that mistake by the way. And yes, I have to work on my narratives... just don't know exactly how to be descriptive but at the same time in sync with Chryisle's personality...
ReplyDeleteThis may be my opinion, but Chryisle seems like.. a energetic person, strong-willed, definitely not a pushover, but with a kind of.. sense of justice/pity? or something along those lines. The sense of justice and/or pity wouldn't really be shown in her dialogue as much by HOW she says things, but WHAT she says. Now the HOW she says things, would probably be affected by the energeticness, strong-willed personality traits. You definitely have the sarcastic and sort of blunt dialogue so that's just fine. Like, for the most part, the dialogue is all really good. It's just a few places it feels kind of forced and like as if you're unsure of how to word things.
ReplyDeleteAlso, not really sure but these might help you:
(I haven't actually attempted writing my story before, but I've read these two tutorials/tips(?) and I found a lot of the info to be true and definitely things to keep in mind.
http://darlingmionette.deviantart.com/art/How-To-Write-And-Love-It-162697440?q=favby%3Apoketherice%2F39663363&qo=15
http://darlingmionette.deviantart.com/art/The-Dreaded-2nd-Draft-162892419?q=favby%3Apoketherice%2F39663363&qo=14
Wow. Thank you. I'm practically a novice at writing novels. You're even generous enough to give me tutorials. Thank you very much
ReplyDeleteHaha don't worry.. I'm even worse.. It's just I had this manga idea and I wanted to write it down in words, but then I got lazy/failed :D
ReplyDeleteBTW, if you're wondering, I found you because of the newest Liar Game's chapter and one of your comments and I saw your forum post and I was reading and for whatever reason your signature stood out to me and I clicked XD