Now
I can enjoy the show in peace.
Noirxus’ foe this time was a dark mage.
I’ve
never seen Noirxus fight against a mage before. I mean sure I could have tested
his magic proficiency but I was either too excited about his sword play that
day or I was just lazy. I think a bit of both. But I don’t believe Noirxus is
going to die. I mean I hope he doesn’t…
In
any case, I would have to watch his fight intently, just in case. Luckily I did
because if I was asleep, like I initially planned, I would never believe if
someone said Noirxus attacked first as soon as the referee said ‘start’.
I
got over my initial shock as I watched Noirxus lunge towards his opponent. The
dark mage, who was taken by surprise, scampered back. Clearly he watched
Noirxus’ previous fights enough to gauge that this was unexpected.
Noirxus
swung his sword a couple of times that, to the untrained eye, would seem like
the dark mage managed to dodge with pure luck. Obviously this was not the case.
Noirxus swung his sword in a quick and careful manner that he would miss his
opponent on purpose by a hair’s breadth. I was impressed. This guy was
seriously taking my advice yesterday and was trying to put on a show.
How obedient. I could use this
kind of obedience for a lot of other purposes…
The
men in the audience cheered louder every time the dark mage dodges unscathed. Now
it was the dark mage’s turn to retaliate. While Noirxus was busy putting on a
show, he’s been continuously chanting a spell. By the length of the chant, it
was a big and powerful (well maybe not that
powerful) spell. Noirxus simply charged forth.
The
spell took the form of a big, black orb speeding towards Noirxus but he dodged
it with a frightening speed that I, myself, almost
missed. Surely majority of the audience didn’t see it either. It was like he
disappeared and reappeared in front of the mage but he didn’t attack the mage.
He attacked the ground.
The
force of his blow made the ground crumble and the mage fly in midair. When the
mage regained his ground he chants a shorter spell. Multiple
smaller dark orbs materialized in midair and simultaneously flew towards Noirxus.
Noirxus
dodges a fierce volley of dark orbs. But one hit him .
It
was weird though. All that did to Noirxus was made him wince but other than
that, it seemed like it didn’t affect him at all. It was as if the dark orb
spell was absorbed into his being.
The
dark mage didn’t seem to notice that one spell that hit. Frustrated, he decided
to aim for Noirxus’ legs.
It
was the mistake that quickly brought the match to an end.
As
soon as the mage crouched down, Noirxus charged using that frightening speed of
his. He then settled his sword on the nape of the mage’s neck; without the mage
noticing his presence disappear and reappear behind him.
The
mage was left to stare blankly at the empty space Noirxus once occupied and
unable to move. He slowly looked at the blade glinting beautifully, ready to
lop his head off. The poor guy must have had the surprise of his life. Noirxus had
this air of superiority as he looked down on the opponent with a stern face.
When the referee announced the winner, I
applauded and smiled. Noirxus looked at me with wide eyes as if he saw a ghost.
‘What?’
I mouthed.
He
walked down the stage with a hesitant and frightened gait as if he didn’t want
to come near me… like I was a dangerous, rabid animal that would bite without
notice.
“You
put on a good show. I’m proud of you!” I said as soon as he was within earshot.
His
face relaxed a little. “Oh… is that it?” Noirxus asked, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Yes.
Why? What were you thinking?”
“Nothing.
I just thought you were going to kill me.”
“Why
would you think that?” I asked confused.
“Because
you were clapping and smiling.”
“Why
would that make you think I’d kill you?”
“Nothing.
I’ve just never seen you smile without plotting someone’s demise or something
equally evil. But then you were clapping and all so I thought you’d kill me
right then and there.”
“……”
The problem you have in verb tense, I think, is caused by the fact that you want to speculate something that hasn't happened or is about to, "Now I can enjoy the show in peace" but then your action or actual verbs all use past tense, "I got over my intial shock as I watched Noirxus lunge at his opponent..." You see how you talked about I can do this now! but then you went on to say, I did this. You can't say "I can play video games now, so I played computer." It would have to be "I can play video games now, so I am going to play computer." or "I was able to play video games, so I played computer." Basically.. if that made sense.
ReplyDelete"When the mage regained his ground he chants another spell, shorter this time."
ReplyDeleteExample of one of your verb tense errors.
Btw, sorry it probably sounds like I'm really pooping on your writing, but like you have to make sure the verb tense is right or it just sounds weird when you read it. Like, the way you say it, its as if When he regained his balance, he will chant as if it didn't happen. Also, you need a comma behind dependent clauses for complex sentences.
Ex. When he hit the ground, he cried.
BUT you don't need a comma if you do it the other way:
He cried when he hit the ground.
Okay~! I'll review all my verb tense errors. Thanks for pointing out. I would not notice that at all if you didn't point out~
ReplyDeleteah. except, the "now I can enjoy the show in peace" could be part of an internal dialogue? IE, really means: I thought to myself (italics) now I can enjoy the show in peace (end italics). But leaving out the italics and "thought to myself". I guess what I'm saying is that it isn't too grievous an error in this case. But in general, tense agreement is something to aim for.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I see your point.. hrmm. If you want to do internal dialogue, I'm not actually sure how to format it so it sounds nicely though :/ I'm terrible with dialogue XD Mine always sounds stale and forced :3
ReplyDeletePersonally, I didn't notice the tense errors, I was just concentrating on the story. One thing did catch my eye though, I'm not an expert but I woldn't say 'I' as much. But it's a really good story!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy reading your story and I must say that even your small mistakes don't matter ;)
ReplyDeleteEnglish is not really my language but I like your writing!