Monday, December 5, 2011

Chapter 4 (Part 1)

Noirxus had to go first in the second elimination round. I brought a couple of earplugs just in case which came in handy as soon as his name was announced by the emcee.

Now I can enjoy the show in peace.

 Noirxus’ foe this time was a dark mage.

I’ve never seen Noirxus fight against a mage before. I mean sure I could have tested his magic proficiency but I was either too excited about his sword play that day or I was just lazy. I think a bit of both. But I don’t believe Noirxus is going to die. I mean I hope he doesn’t…

In any case, I would have to watch his fight intently, just in case. Luckily I did because if I was asleep, like I initially planned, I would never believe if someone said Noirxus attacked first as soon as the referee said ‘start’.

I got over my initial shock as I watched Noirxus lunge towards his opponent. The dark mage, who was taken by surprise, scampered back. Clearly he watched Noirxus’ previous fights enough to gauge that this was unexpected.

Noirxus swung his sword a couple of times that, to the untrained eye, would seem like the dark mage managed to dodge with pure luck. Obviously this was not the case. Noirxus swung his sword in a quick and careful manner that he would miss his opponent on purpose by a hair’s breadth. I was impressed. This guy was seriously taking my advice yesterday and was trying to put on a show.

How obedient. I could use this kind of obedience for a lot of other purposes…

The men in the audience cheered louder every time the dark mage dodges unscathed. Now it was the dark mage’s turn to retaliate. While Noirxus was busy putting on a show, he’s been continuously chanting a spell. By the length of the chant, it was a big and powerful (well maybe not that powerful) spell. Noirxus simply charged forth.

The spell took the form of a big, black orb speeding towards Noirxus but he dodged it with a frightening speed that I, myself, almost missed. Surely majority of the audience didn’t see it either. It was like he disappeared and reappeared in front of the mage but he didn’t attack the mage. He attacked the ground.

The force of his blow made the ground crumble and the mage fly in midair. When the mage regained his ground he chants a shorter spell. Multiple smaller dark orbs materialized in midair and simultaneously flew towards Noirxus.

Noirxus dodges a fierce volley of dark orbs. But one hit him .

It was weird though. All that did to Noirxus was made him wince but other than that, it seemed like it didn’t affect him at all. It was as if the dark orb spell was absorbed into his being.

The dark mage didn’t seem to notice that one spell that hit. Frustrated, he decided to aim for Noirxus’ legs.

It was the mistake that quickly brought the match to an end.

As soon as the mage crouched down, Noirxus charged using that frightening speed of his. He then settled his sword on the nape of the mage’s neck; without the mage noticing his presence disappear and reappear behind him.

The mage was left to stare blankly at the empty space Noirxus once occupied and unable to move. He slowly looked at the blade glinting beautifully, ready to lop his head off.  The poor guy must have had the surprise of his life. Noirxus had this air of superiority as he looked down on the opponent with a stern face.

 When the referee announced the winner, I applauded and smiled. Noirxus looked at me with wide eyes as if he saw a ghost.

‘What?’ I mouthed.

He walked down the stage with a hesitant and frightened gait as if he didn’t want to come near me… like I was a dangerous, rabid animal that would bite without notice.

“You put on a good show. I’m proud of you!” I said as soon as he was within earshot.

His face relaxed a little. “Oh… is that it?” Noirxus asked, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Yes. Why? What were you thinking?”

“Nothing. I just thought you were going to kill me.”

“Why would you think that?” I asked confused.

“Because you were clapping and smiling.”

“Why would that make you think I’d kill you?”

“Nothing. I’ve just never seen you smile without plotting someone’s demise or something equally evil. But then you were clapping and all so I thought you’d kill me right then and there.”

“……” 

7 comments:

  1. The problem you have in verb tense, I think, is caused by the fact that you want to speculate something that hasn't happened or is about to, "Now I can enjoy the show in peace" but then your action or actual verbs all use past tense, "I got over my intial shock as I watched Noirxus lunge at his opponent..." You see how you talked about I can do this now! but then you went on to say, I did this. You can't say "I can play video games now, so I played computer." It would have to be "I can play video games now, so I am going to play computer." or "I was able to play video games, so I played computer." Basically.. if that made sense.

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  2. "When the mage regained his ground he chants another spell, shorter this time."

    Example of one of your verb tense errors.

    Btw, sorry it probably sounds like I'm really pooping on your writing, but like you have to make sure the verb tense is right or it just sounds weird when you read it. Like, the way you say it, its as if When he regained his balance, he will chant as if it didn't happen. Also, you need a comma behind dependent clauses for complex sentences.

    Ex. When he hit the ground, he cried.
    BUT you don't need a comma if you do it the other way:
    He cried when he hit the ground.

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  3. Okay~! I'll review all my verb tense errors. Thanks for pointing out. I would not notice that at all if you didn't point out~

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  4. ah. except, the "now I can enjoy the show in peace" could be part of an internal dialogue? IE, really means: I thought to myself (italics) now I can enjoy the show in peace (end italics). But leaving out the italics and "thought to myself". I guess what I'm saying is that it isn't too grievous an error in this case. But in general, tense agreement is something to aim for.

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  5. Oh yeah, I see your point.. hrmm. If you want to do internal dialogue, I'm not actually sure how to format it so it sounds nicely though :/ I'm terrible with dialogue XD Mine always sounds stale and forced :3

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  6. Personally, I didn't notice the tense errors, I was just concentrating on the story. One thing did catch my eye though, I'm not an expert but I woldn't say 'I' as much. But it's a really good story!

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  7. I really enjoy reading your story and I must say that even your small mistakes don't matter ;)
    English is not really my language but I like your writing!

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