After a while, I felt a slight nudge on my arm. I guess that means
it’s my time to shine. I got up and walked a few steps towards the stage, but then I paused suddenly feeling hesitant.
Walking is such a mundane entrance, I
thought. So to flair it up a bit, I added
a midair somersault followed by a soft and graceful cat-like landing on the
stage.
Don’t look at me like that! I happen to like showing off!
My opponent unfortunately wasn’t
amused by my splendid entrance. He simply walked on stage like a normal person
would but with his chin up and back straight like he was looking down on me.
His eyes were clearly saying: ‘You crave some petty attention that much?’
I was ticked off by his stare.
I might have imagined his message in my head but that contemptuous stare was definitely
not imaginary.
My proud opponent - whom I
decided to name Rabbit just because I hated him as much as I hated rabbits - was dressed in a red steel armor with two curved broadswords sheathed behind his
back. His skin was very tan and covered in various battle scars. He was just a
little bit taller than me and clearly more muscular but I wouldn’t let that
intimidate me.
He dramatically unsheathed
his two swords and held one in each hand and then he gave me a sneer. That
would have looked intimidating if his swords, bald head and teeth didn’t
twinkle simultaneously. Does this guy
bathe in wax?
A small chuckle escaped my
lips.
I unsheathed my own white
sword and held it with both my hands. Rabbit replied by casting a spell on his
swords that set them both on fire. Flashy,
I thought as I let out a low whistle. And then he stabbed the stage with his
right sword and summoned a fire dragon.
No it’s not a fire dragon
the creature but a huge fire in the form of a…water dragon? The fire had a
dragon head but its body was long and snake-like that somehow resembles a water
dragon so I guessed it was a water dragon. It was interesting and very flashy. I do admire his work
though.
When the fire dragon lunged
towards me, I dodged. Sure I could have cut it but I wanted to admire it a
little longer to comply with my obsession with dragons.
I pursued my Rabbit instead.
He slashed me... even though I was a few feet from him. I was confused for a
moment because surely he wasn’t trying to slash the air right? That was when I
noticed it wasn’t me he was after but the dragon he controlled. The fire dragon
was quickly descending on me leaving me with no choice but to retreat to the side.
But then the dragon followed
me and was now five feet front of me. I quickly raised my sword and infused it
with a good amount of rion (see author's note below) enough so it could withstand the heat of the fire
and not get damaged. The dragon did not cease and was neatly cut in half along
its entire length. The two halves fell on the stage, lighting it on fire.
Then the sword that summoned
the fire dragon, the one stuck on the stage, cracked.
My Rabbit was very surprised
with how things turned out. “Don’t take me lightly,” I said as I ran, cutting
through the blazing stage. I let out a battle cry as I raised my sword to do an overhead attack. Overhead attacks are my favorite because I love the feeling of
hacking something apart right in the middle and because I end up on top and on
offensive while my opponent kneels on the ground on defensive.
Rabbit was able to block my
blow but the impact left a loud boom and a huge dent on the stage. The audience
were now able to see clearly too because the flames were fanned out from the
impact.
“Heavens I could feel that
shock with my chest!” someone yelled.
“This is awesome! Good thing
I bet on her!” I could hear another say.
Rabbit was trembling beneath
me with his sword three centimeters short of completely being broken. He could barely even whisper the words “I surrender”.
I smiled, generously allowing his
surrender as I sheathed my sword and walked away gracefully. And then I turned to look back only to
find him still on stage struggling to stand up like a baby deer learning to
walk for the first time.
“If the sword didn’t hold
up, what would you have done?” Noirxus asked me.
I shrugged and quoted his
own words, “Fights are always unpredictable.”
But in reality, if his sword
really did not hold up, I would have immediately retracted my sword before it could
make contact with his face. I was confident of that.
“That fight was very flashy
by the way,” Noirxus remarked.
“Well I don’t enjoy being upstaged even
if it’s a petty tournament.”
Author's note: I updated chapter 1 part 1 and inserted a small detail about the rion~
Author's note: I updated chapter 1 part 1 and inserted a small detail about the rion~
Did I improve? ^^ I tried to incorporate as much of the suggestions(especially the verb tense error) as possible.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Your writing style is very "light novel", which is pretty rare for a western book, adding a unique flavor. Normally, I'm pretty good at evaluating grammar and such while reading; yours is entertaining enough that I get distracted :) That said, I think that you are tightening up your writing, which is good.
ReplyDeleteMm, I like your humor! :> I've realized that another grammatical error you're prone to, though, is run-on sentences. For example:
ReplyDelete" I guess that means it’s my time to shine so I got up and walked a few steps towards the stage but then I suddenly felt hesitant."
The comma is missing before the "so" to divide it into a sentence with two independent clauses that are correctly separated. In this case though, I would recommend having separated the two into two separate sentences entirely. Your character is more strong willed and decisive, so I feel her tone should involve shorter sentences. In other words, like this:
"I guess that means it was my turn to shine. I got up and walked towards the mage, but after a few steps I suddenly felt hesitant."
This sentence could also have been divided for a better flow:
"My proud opponent that I decided to name Rabbit just because I hated him as much as I hated rabbits was dressed in a red steel armor with two curved broadswords sheathed behind his back."
Whew! I tried reading that in one breath and almost died...lol. One way to cut down your sentences and improve flow would be to read it aloud. Reading your writing aloud truly helps you discover places where you can improve and make your writing flow better.
So, for that sentence, I would have recommended something like this:
"My proud opponent--who I decided to name Rabbit, just because I hated him as much as I hated rabbits--was dressed in a red steel armor with two curved broadswords sheathed behind his back."
You've definitely improved on your verb tense usage though! It's definitely happening less frequently. Keep up the good work! :>
Oh, but as for all this editing that I mentioned, I really would not sweat it when you're writing your piece the first time through. Thinking about grammar and all that during writing the first draft could bog you down really badly... You can leave all the grammar changes for the second draft when you're proofreading!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement dea! I'll try reading my sentences aloud from now on ^^
ReplyDelete